How did we get here?

When we started dating it was just casual. Someone to go see a movie with or go out dancing. There was never supposed to be anything serious. Then for whatever reason it got serious. We got married...and now we're getting divorced. And it was never supposed to be serious at all.

I loved him so much. I gave all I had to him and our marriage. And he took it all and went in search of more. It wasn't enough to have all of me...he had to have other women and more stuff and just more of anything he could get. Why? Why wasn't I good enough for him? What else could I have done?

Payment Due

I am finding it hard to concentrate today. I am finding it difficult to pull my mind away from something that I pretty much knew was coming. Why am I surprised? Why am I brokenhearted? Why do I feel such a strong sense of disappointment? What is wrong with me?

I knew that he was probably lying, that it wasn't real, and he was once again going to let me down. I KNEW THAT!! But even while keeping up the good front of being above the fear, not worrying about it...knowing the outcome...under all that I guess I was still holding out hope. Hope that this time he would follow through. Hope that for once he would keep the promise...tell the truth...be there when I needed him. And that was stupid of me. I knew better.

And now I pay for that. I pay in tears and frustration. I pay in worry and anger and not understanding AT ALL what is wrong with him. Once again, he messes up...and I pay.

But it wasn't his fault. He got hung up at work...no choice, he couldn't leave. And I get that. He is right that it wasn't his fault that he didn't get it done TODAY. But what he seemingly fails to see is that had he not made the bad choices, and incorrect actions and stupid plans from the past several months we wouldn't even be here today. Today might not have been his fault, but the situation as a whole is on him. He caused it. And when it looked like I might enforce the consequences of him screwing up he lost it...started crying, practically begging me not to do it. And telling me how sorry he was, how he doesn't want it to be this way. He is sorry becuase of the way that it affects him...but is he sorry that it affects me, that my life is turned upside down over his choices...that our baby is being passed back and forth and probably confused. I doubt it. He is sorry when it affects him in bad way...just like always. He has not once apologized for putting us in this situation to begin with, but he will pull out the tears and apologize if it looks like he might get in trouble for it. And I let him do it...becuase I dont want to be the bad guy. I don't want to send my son's father to jail, which I could have done. I don't want to have to be the one that holds him accountable, that deals with the resentment afterward, that is "at fault" for him having to deal with what he caused. Why is this so hard still? Why does it ambush me at the worst times? When will this be over? When will my heart stop breaking for what could have been? Why doesn't it get any better.

Single...Again.

It has now been over four months since I moved out of my house. Four months since I, once again, found out my husband was looking for other women to sleep with. Four months since told him that "I'd had enough".

It has been just over 2 months since I told him that I was going to divorce him. Two months since I quite believing that there is a snowball's chance in hell of this ever working out. Two months since I really got fed up with him and his lying and irresponsibility.

It has been about 3 weeks since I filed the divorce papers and he was served. Three weeks since I looked at the last three years as the past...over and done. Three weeks since I started referring to him as my EX.

It has been about 24 hours since I signed an agreement on our temporary orders. 24 hours since I agreed to let him pay the full house payment, with penalty of going to jail for contempt if he fails to do so. 24 hours since it really began to soak in that it's happening.

I am going to be a single mom.

Changes

Some things never change, and some things do.

Like my sweet boy... he changes almost daily. He is getting bigger everyday...and is now one year and three weeks old. He is still amazing...that doesn't change, but he is learning and growing and becoming more himself each day.

Of course then there is the H. He doesn't change...and in not changing, that changes everything. I have had enough trying to fix this on my own. He is making superficial effort to "show me" his willingness to change, but the underlying attitude is still the same. I have changed I guess. I have changed my thoughts on our marriage. I have changed my priorities to taking care of our son and myself and hang it if he can't manage to take care of himself.

I have changed...life has changed. Sometimes I think it is a change for the better and sometimes I don't know. But the only thing that we can count on this world is that nothing stays the same.

MORE??? I don't think I can handle any more.

I didn't want to believe that there could be more. I didn't want to think that he could hurt me any more than he already has. I kept trying to convince myself that we were going to make this work. Only WE aren't doing anything. I am trying to forgive him, I am beating myself up for being angry with him and being "too hard" on him. I am pushing myself to let it all go, and move forward with our marriage. I am researching and reading and asking for advice about overcoming infidelity from everyone I can find. HE on the other hand...well, HE is setting up Myspace accounts to talk to other girls. HE is inviting girls I have never met to OUR HOME!! HE is lying to me left and right. HE is continuing to make me look like a horrible wife in the counseling sessions. HE is putting on a great act for other people and he almost had me convinced. WE have yet to do anything, as a couple to fix this problem, and I am just about through dealing with everything that HE thinks he should do.

A Whole Month

It's official...It has been an entire month since I moved out of my house, my life, my marriage. I left and haven't moved back. Of course I see him or talk to him almost daily...except when he was trying to make a point and get back at me for not falling at his feet in joy when he bought me flowers. Flowers!! Like that makes up for three years of lies and unfaithfulness. And the song he requested from our wedding...like that was going to make me feel good. He requested the song that played during the lighting of the unity candle...like he showed a whole lot of unity when he was out trying to find someone else to sleep with.

I don't know what to feel. Of course there is love left for him somewhere and every once in a while I feel it...but then I lose it when I remember that he didn't love me enough to hold to his vows. And of course when you have a child with someone there is always something there, becuase that child is part of him. I just don't know if that is enough. I tried loving him enough for both of us, and now I just don't know if I have anything left. It's like drawing water from a well. Eventually if there is no rain or underground spring or other source feeding into that well, it will go dry. He wasn't feeding love into me, but I was putting love out there in huge quantities for him, and now my well is dry. He keeps trying to fill it up, but it's like spitting in the sand of the dessert. Gone before it even hits the sand. And I am still not sure that he is even really trying all that hard. Maybe I am jaded, but I feel like it is all pretty superficial stuff, and that there is a lot of manipulation underneath it. Maybe there isn't or maybe he doesn't realize he is even doing it. He has done this kind of thing for so long, I don't know if he even realizes that he is doing it. I don't know what to do...maybe soon I will know how to move forward in life. It's just that I really hate living in limbo, not really knowing what to do or where to go from here...it truly sucks.

This Sucks.

I never thought I would be here. I never thought that I would pack my things and walk out the door. I thought this was forever, and maybe it still will be, but I am just not sure anymore. I hate to think that I made this huge, life altering mistake...but one of the two was a mistake. Either I shouldn't have married him, or I should have stayed even after all the lies, tears and hours, days, weeks, months spent trying to fix it. I worked on this and did everything I could to make it better and he couldn't have cared less. Now that I am fed up he is ready to try. I know that I should give it another shot, but really I am not sure I can handle it anymore. I am just so tired. I just want to be alone for a while...and he won't let me. It's official...this SUCKS.

50 Things

I got this idea from another blog that I was looking at. I decided that I need to post more about me. I seem to post alot about other people and today I just really need to focus my energy on myself, becuase I am beginning to feel that I am disappearing. So here goes...







1. My middle name is Sue. I hated it growing up, but now I really kind of like it. There aren't too many people with that middle name...unlike the extreme commonality of my first name.




2. I love dogs. I used to say that I love animals...but I am not really sure that is true. I tried to like cats, but I am allergic and they usually hate me anyway. And I found that I really don't like pet birds too much either.




3. I love being a mother. I was never a kid that liked playing dolls, so I assumed that meant that I wouldn't really be that great of a mom (and who knows, maybe I'm not, but I love it anyway.)




4. I started college in August of 2002.




5. I will graduate this December 2008, with a BA in Social Work. It only took me six years, 1 husband, 1 baby and about a million full and part time jobs, but I made it.


6. I started out majoring in Psychology and that is still my favorite subject and the way that I tend to process information and look at the world, but I just felt that I had to become a social worker to make the difference in the world that I wish to see.

7. I am living in my parents house until I graduate.

8. I am the second of four children, but I really consider myself the middle child. I know there is no middle out of four...but I am the middle of three girls and the one most likely to act the way that you would expect a middle child to act.




9. I am a compulsive peacemaker, when it comes to family and friends.




10. It took me a long time to learn to stand up for myself and I have still have a hard time with it sometimes.




11. I had a Gay male roommate once.




12. When I lived with the gay male roommate we lived in an efficiency apartment that was all of about 200 square feet.




13. I kicked him out about two months after he moved in. That took way longer than it should have...if you only knew what I went through before I finally did it.




14. I didn't cry on my wedding day, but my husband did. (should I have seen this as a sign of future problems?)




15. I am not a particularly emotional person...or at least I wasn't. There is something about having a baby that screws your hormones up and makes you all weepy and girly.




16. My parents have been married for 26 years and I truly look to them for inspiration on how to have a good marriage.




17. I have 1 nephew and 1 neice on the way.




18. I love being an aunt almost as much as I love being a mom.




19. I think I feel a certain closeness to my nephew that many aunts don't...becuase I had a miscarriage the same weekend he was born.




20. It took me a long time to accept that the miscarriage wasn't my fault and that it wasn't the end of the world.




21. I have had a lot of different jobs...everything from apartment manager to direct care staff for the mentally challenged to secretary to retail assistant manager.




22. My favorite job was working in a group home with people who have developmental disabilities.




23. I hope someday to work with that population again as a social worker.




24. I think that having so many different jobs helps me to see what it is like to be in another person's shoes.


25. I try to be extremely kind to servers in restaurant and sales people in retail stores because I know that many people aren't kind to them at all.




26. My husband used to think that I was being flirty with the servers, but then he noticed that I do it with girls too...he is so clueless.




27. I very rarely have a hard time seeing the "other side" of an issue. Even if I disagree with someone I can usually see and understand where they are coming from.




28. I hate confrontation, and I have to talk myself into it when I have to confront someone.




29. I talk to myself in the car alot. I am sure that people think I am crazy becuase I seem to be having a conversation in a car where no one else is present.




30. I don't mind other people thinking I am crazy. It doesn't really concern me what other people think of me, especially when I don't even know them.




31. I became a Christian at 8 years old during VBS.




32. I got baptized when I was 12, the same day as both my sisters.




33. I now work for the church that I was baptized in.




34. I want to have more at least one more child...but not for a while.




35. I don't like politics...not office politics, church politics, or national politics.




36. I am completely torn on who to vote for in the Presidential Election. Obama represents many of my professional beliefs and convictions. But McCain represents many of my personal beliefs. And neither of them exemplify any of the ideal characteristics of the "perfect President" I can imagine in my mind.


37. I am terrible at remembering current events. I am often the last to hear about something and when it comes up people always say to me, "It has been on the news for a week".




38. I don't watch a whole lot of TV...but there are a few shows that I love to watch, so I record them on the DVR to watch when I get a few minutes to sit down. BTW, it is much faster to watch a TV show if you can fast forward through all the commercials.




39. I am addicted to Grey's Anatomy, Bones, and House. Maybe I should have been a doctor since I like medical shows. Or maybe not since I don't like blood and yuck.


40. I never really got into Sex and the City, but I would kind of like to see the movie...amazing the influence marketing has on us.




41. I like WWF...Totally embarrasing I know.




42. My favorite WWF wrestler is "The Heartbreak Kid" Shawn Micheals... and his buddy Triple H. Wow, for somebody that doesn't get to watch much TV I sure do talk about it alot.




43. I love to read.




44. Once when I was a kid my mom grounded me from reading anything not related to school work becuase I was reading "fun books" instead of doing my home work.




45. I haven't read a book not related to school in over a year, and that makes me sad.




46. I recently got a recommendation on a couple of good books, and I plan to try to read them before I go back to school in the fall.




47. I get really excited when I get to buy someone a gift. I love to pick out just the right thing to make them smile. Something that means something to someone is something special to me...if that makes sense.




48. My favorite numbers are 13 and 24.



50. The reason that 24 is a favorite number is kind of embarassing, but I still love it, and the meaning that I know is behind it. Stupid kid crushes...make great memories. :)

WTF!?!?!

Do men ever grow out of the selfishness of youth? Or should I just expect that my husband will always expect to get what he wants, even at the expense of others? If what is going on isn't exactly what he wants or somehow displeases him then there is hell to pay. He always talks about how he wants to buy a bigger house, or he wants to get a new car, or he want's this or that, on and on about what he wants. The problem is we don't have the money for all of his wants. He got offered a promotion at work, and a large pay raise to go with it. It would allow us to get more of the things that he wants. The issue is the job is inside a building. He wants to work outside. That is the ONLY problem he has with the job. On the flip side the positives of this job are overwhelming... more money, safer job (he would no longer be on the side of the highway while cars whiz by at 70 miles an hour), permanancy (he is currently a "temporary" employee, technically). But because he doesn't like the fact that he would have to give up his outdoor job he might not take the new job. His salary would jump around $7,000-$10,000 a year! He would have job security, so we wouldn't have to worry as much about him being out of a job! WHAT IS HIS PROBLEM???????

My Little Boy

He is beautiful and sweet and funny. He is also stubborn and strong willed and hard headed. He has personality to burn and is totally fearless. He is 10 months old and it breaks my heart to think about it. He is so big...soon he will be a whole year old. How did this happen? I feel like I have missed so much. I work full time and I am going to school to earn my bachelors degree. He spends so much time with other people, and I know that I spoil him so much becuase of the amount of time that I don't get to spend with him. I feel like I should be making up for not being with him all the time. I know that seems ridiculous to some people. I grew up after the feminist movement, and have always seen working women. I have always admired these women, looked up to them and wanted to be like them. I have also always wanted children. I never thought that doing both was out of the ordinary, after all my mom did it. I never thought that it was that hard, or that I would feel such unbelieveable sadness when I see my little boy seem so attached to my mother-in-law, becuase he stays with her three days a week while I work. I feel so sad, like somehow I am failing as a mother by not being there every minute of every day. But I know that I would feel unfulfilled if I didn't work. I have to work, becuase I have always found that to be important. I need to feel that I am contributing financially and not relying solely on my husband. So what is the right answer? How do I reconcile my need to work with my need to be with my boy. I don't think that there is an answer really...but I wish there were.

Interest... or Obsession??

Some months ago I found a blog (which I have listed in my margin under favorite blogs) that talks about a young boy and his mom... and his autism. I don't know why, but I was drawn in to this story of a strong mother and her even stronger love for a little boy that has so much to deal with and overcome. MOM-NOS is an inspiration to me, and I don't even have a special needs child. Through that blog I have come across many other similar blogs, moms writing about thier children, lovingly and achingly telling of thier triumphs and sucesses and sharing heartwrenching tales of challenges they face with and for thier children. I have read so many I can't seem to keep them all straight, but another new favorite is Rooster Calls. This mom and her little rooster are a few years into the challenges, but have only recently gotten a diagnosis confirming autism. I think I have allowed my interest in these autism blogs to cross the line in to obession. No, I don't intend to seek out the authors of either of the mentioned blogs or any of the others I have read. I don't want to be best friends with them, but everytime that I read about autism on a blog, by a mom who handles the special brand of challenges that come along with it I can't stop until I have read the whole thing. I have to go back through the archives of the blog, back all the way to the beginning and read the whole story. I can't help it, I need to know what autism looks like...not because I think my son is Autistic, but because I need to see it, in my mind. I need to see these beautiful children, see thier struggles and success, see the mom's unflagging love and patience.

I know why I need to see this. I have a drive to work, as a Social Worker, with special needs children and adults, people just like Bud and the Rooster, and all the other little boys and girls whose parents are brave enough to let us see into thier lives. I need to see the positive so that when I get a client, who simply doesn't love thier child because they are "too difficult" I can believe that someone loves them; when I meet an Autistic adult I want to be able to know where they started, how far they have come and be able to understand that even though they may still have difficult days they are making amazing strides. I want to see the good side of this, because all we ever see in the media is the horror stories of autism. We hear that these children are unreachable and impossible to handle. We hear that they are untreatable, and that autism is a plague, stealing our children from us. I don't believe that is the case. Yes, autism makes life more challenging but I don't think that it steals children or leaves them doomed to a life that is less than someone elses. Maybe I am wrong, there may be parents of Autistic kids out there that would read this and say I don't know what I am talking about, or that I'm making light of what they deal with on a daily basis without ever having seen it first hand.

I am not making light. I understand the difficulties and challenges associated with autism. I just think that behind the flapping, disregulation, outbursts, frustration and aggression there is a child. And that child is so much more than the Autism that they are living with. I think that some people forget about the child when talking about an autistic child. They focus solely on the autism. I don't want to do that, so I read pages and pages at a time, stories of these amazing children who are bright and funny, loving and sweet, and who happen to have autism.

Losing Our Freedoms?

Recently in my little part of the world there has been a huge debate over an incredibly controversial topic... second hand smoke. A couple of years ago there was a smoking ban proposed that would force those who smoke to only do so on thier own property or to be incovienced if they wanted to have a smoke in a public place. They would be pushed, literally out into the street in most cases if they wanted to light up in public. It proposed that smokers would have to go at least 25 ft from any building entrances before lighting up a cigarette. In the case of many businesses, especially in our downtown area that meant that the were actually expected to stand on the curb, or a couple feet into a city street in order to follow the ordinance. Also every public place...stores, banks, shops, restaurants, even clubs and bars would be barred from allowing smoking on thier premesis. That one was shot down and we assumed that it was over. Just a couple of weeks ago we had another vote on a very similar city ordinance. The only change was that now people would be allowed to smoke 10 feet from building entrances rather than 25ft away, in the road. This one was voted down as well.

I say all that to say this: I am not a smoker anymore, and I don't really like to smell smoke or breathe it in when I am entering or exiting a building. Nor do I like to sit in a restaurant and breathe in smoke as I try to eat. But I still find this ordinance to be ridiculous and overly restricitive in a country that espouses freedom of choice. I think that forcing people who smoke to have to hide in thier cars or homes is wrong and in a way discriminatory. It is a personal choice, just like the choice to go to a place that allows smoking. I don't think that it is right to tell a person that is running a business how they have to run it and what is allowed on thier property. It is robbing people of thier freedom when the government steps in a tries to legislate how people are expected to live thier lives.

So, to all those that voted in favor of the smoking ban and to any that are reading this and think that I am wrong all I have to say is: If you have an issue with places that allow smoking, don't go there. Put on your big kid undies and make a decision, but don't expect that your thoughts and choices should be what everybody else needs to do as well. Don't take away other people's freedom to choose becuase you don't like what they are doing.

O.K...Rant over.

New Diet!

Today is the first day of my new diet. Actually it is Weight Watchers, and they advertise as being a new way to live, not just a diet. So here is to the new way of life. I am sick and tired of being so fat that I can't get into the biggest clothes that I have ever owned. I refuse to buy a pair of size twenty jeans. I am simply not going to do this anymore. I will be healthier and lighter by the time that I graduate from college in December. My goal is to lose at least 30-40 lbs by my graduation day. That gives me seven months, which averages out to about 5 or 6 lbs a month. That is totally doable! I am going to focus on each monthly goal, instead of the overall goal, so that I will not feel overwhelmed by the hugeness of my end expectations. I can do this, I know I can and I will. That is a promise.

New Bible!!

I am super excited today, becuase I finally got a new Bible. I have been wanting a new one forever now, but I hadn't gone and gotten one. I was actually planning to go out and get one yesterday anyway and my mom told me at church that she wanted to buy me one for my birthday. So I got the women's devotional NIV Bible. I am very excited, becuase I am planning to make some changes in my life, beginning with spending time in the Word of God, taking time everyday to connect with Him. Also I have become convicted recently of the fact that God expects me to take care of my body, so I plan to start working out and eating right, budgeting weekly for groceries and cooking healthier. I am hyped to make some really exciting changes that will make my life better. I am planning to work on cleaning out the junk in my life, physically, mentally and spiritually. Life is good and will be getting even better.

De Ja Vu, or something like that

Do you ever have one of those days when you randomly think of a person from your past, maybe someone that you would pay good money to never have to see again, and then you can't get that person out of your head? Today has been one of those days for me.

A long time ago, I had a friend, or should I say I was a friend to a guy (let's call him J.)who seemed to have a difficult time in this life. He was not on good terms with his dad, his sexuality was constantly in question by all those around him, mostly because he put it out there to be questioned, but that isn't the point. He was constantly fighting with his mom and stepdad and he had just moved to a new high school, in a new state, during his junior year. He was talented, funny, attractive, outgoing and supposedly a good guy. One of those characteristic turned out to not really be so true. (Betcha can't guess which one.) I was drawn to him... I think because he was different from everybody I had ever met. He was openly "gay", and apparently comfortable with that and all the comments that came along with it. Even though he was "gay" he wasn't effeminate, or flamboyant in that "queen" way. Although he could put on a good show for people who were really freaked out by it. I was a small town girl from West Texas and he was a new kind of guy from New Jersey/New York. We became friends. I was just coming out of a hard, long relationship when we met and I for some reason found him attractive (anyone thinking rebound?) even knowing that he was "gay". I also think it might have something to do with the fact that he was "safe", I couldn't be in a relationship with him and therefore couldn't be hurt by him.
We hung out alot and got to know each other well, I thought. It came out that I thought he was attractive and he confessed to me that while he still believed that he was "gay", he felt a pretty strong attraction to me as well. We began an on-again, off-again relationship. I stopped seeing him becuase my former boyfriend informed me that he wanted to try again, and since I still had feelings for him, and felt that it could go somewhere, while the current fling was pretty pointless, I got back together with him.
That relationship finally died a slow and painful death, by email, during the summer after my senior year. I renewed the friendship with J. and we began spending lots of time together again. He confessed to me at one point that he had spent a lot of time during the summer thinking of me, which felt good considering that my former boyfriend obviously hadn't done the same. He said he was still very attracted to me and we began "dating" again. I will never say that it didn't happen, because it did, but I wish that it hadn't happend frequently.
Eventually we stopped seeing one another romantically and he pursued a young man. We continued being close friends, so when I called him one day to let him know that I was going on a date I thought he would be excited for me. It was a blind date, and I was nervous, so I really needed him to tell me that I was great and any guy would be lucky to have me. Instead he said he was in love with me and he didn't want me to go out with this guy. I went anyway, and it was amazing. The blind date (guy number two) was a total gentleman and treated me so well. I met his whole family (yes, it was our first date) and I told my roommate when I got home how great he was. I had really been praying that guy number two would be a toal dud so that I didn't have to deal with the drama that I knew was coming. I tried to introduce the two guys and it went badly. I ended up breaking up with guy number two, because I felt that the friendship with J. was important to me and not worth losing over a guy I had just met. (If only I had known what was coming later!) Guy number two still wanted to be friends and I was fine with that, and talked to him frequently, much to the disgust of J. In fact one night he answered my phone while I was out of the room and told guy number two that I didn't want to talk to him anymore and that he needed to get lost, and then told me a totally different story when I got back. He said that guy number two got angry that I was still hanging out with J. and said he never wanted to talk to me again. We never really got back together as a couple officially, but we continued spending time together in this limbo mode of "friends/more than friends" for a while. Weeks and months went by and on J's 18th b-day his mom kicked him out of the house. By now we were definitely "just friends", but life was still kind of confusing becuase he still seemed to feel proprietary toward me. I had just signed a lease on an apartment and told J that he could come stay with me until graduation when he planned to go back to Jersey. This is when it all fell apart. He seemed to expect me to provide for him. He paid no bills or rent, bought little to no food, and expected me to buy his clothes for graduation - even though we worked together, brought people back to my apartment that I wasn't real fond of, borrowed my car and left it on a parking lot downtown all night without telling me - just so he could go home with some guy, got pissed when I wouldn't let him borrow it again, pinned me against a bed, threw a fit over me getting a phone line installed and used the money he was supposed to be paying me for rent and utilities to get a tatoo. I kicked him out and changed the locks. He harrased me for months with requests to be friends again and hateful emails calling me names. Finally after a couple of months I stopped hearing from him. But every six months or so I would get emails from him, and he always seemed to know when some thing big was happening in my life. He found out that guy number two and I had gotten back together. He found my Myspace page. He emailed me to congratulate me on my engagement to guy number two (now my hubby, Jon) and my marriage. He commented on how cute my dogs were on my Myspace page, even though the only pictures of them are on my husbands page. Finally two years ago I pleaded with him to just leave me alone, quit contacting me and stop asking my friends that he still talks to about my life, so that he can pop up and ruin all the good times and make the crappy times even worse. Since that time, I haven't heard from him at all.

But today I thought of him, and now I can't stop the train of thoughts. I keep remembering things about him and I know how to find his myspace page, and his email address. I don't want to be his friend, but I don't want to hate him either. I want him to know that my life is great, and that I hope the best for him, even though I don't want to have anything to do with him ever again. We were good friends once, and so sometimes I want him to know that while I will never consider him a friend again, I don't hate him. But I know that even opening that connection back up will get ugly quick, becuase he won't want to leave it at, I forgive you, J. and want the best for you and that's all. He will want to push it further. Plus hubby Jon hates him and would be super angry if I contacted him, and I couldn't lie to Jon about this. It would be wrong. So I guess I will have to be okay with sending the forgiveness vibes and well wishes for someone that I don't like or hate anymore into the universe.

My Blog Title

I know, it doesn't seem particularly interesting or revealing, but it is me. It is how I think of myself. In one of my courses we were asked to think about our personal life roles, in relation to others and what we think of ourselves. When I started trying to think of a title for this blog that would represent me, but not be fully revealing of who I am (ie: no specific names given, in order to protect my innocence, not to metion my privacy), I couldn't seem to shake the memories of that exercise. The hard part for me was what to list first. I was a student long before I became any of the other things, but I spend a majority of my time being an employee, I am a wife and mother, and while I would not have been a mother without being a wife, I could have been a wife without becomeing a mother, but then again the most important thing to me in the whole world is my child. So you see my dilemma... what order should I put my life roles in, so that they represent me best. I finally came to the conclusion that all of these are important roles to my life, and I will be fully represented by them no matter what order they are in. But I did have to put wife and mother before student and employee, because there is nothing more important to me that my family.

Now that I have bored the world to tears, or at least anyone who happens by this blog, I must continue my duties as an employee and get back to work!

Do I deserve to be angry?

He stayed out almost all night! He went to have a beer with the guys, which I was fine with. I asked when I could expect him home, not becuase the time mattered, but just as a reference. So that I would know if he wasn't home be this time I might need to start worrying. He said in about two hours he would be home. That meant around 11:30 P.M. Okay, that's fine, anytime would have been fine, just so long as I know what to expect. So I put the baby down and go to bed. Next thing I know my eyes pop open at 1:30 A.M. and he is nowhere to be found. Okay, no biggie, he probably lost track of time. So I call him. No answer. Alright, I think, they are probably in a loud place, he didn't hear it, I am sure that he will call me back. So I lay back down and flip on the TV to keep myself awake while I wait. 1:45 - no call yet, so I try again. No answer. 2:00 - Still nothing, another call, still no answer. He never misses a call and not call back almost immediatly, so I am starting to get worried. No answer and no call back for over 30 minutes now. He has probably had a couple of beers, he could have been in a wreck or picked up on a DUI if he drove after too many beers. I don't even know where they went. I don't have the numbers of the guys that he went with to see if he is still with them. I am panicking. What if he got killed in a car wreck. I am praying the whole time that I dial the number one more time. NO ANSWER!!! Now I am a mess, scared sick and freaking out. Do I call the hospitals first or the police station? What if they havent had any calls or anything that match his description? Wher is he?!?!? I push redial and call one last time - "Hey babe." like nothing has been going on. Like I haven't called him 5 times and texted him (which I never do). Like I haven't been crying and praying and worried sick!! He and they guys went to get something to eat. He forgot his phone in the car. He just can't get why I am so upset. It was no big deal. ARGH!!!

So, do I have a right to be angry?

I think that I do. I feel that I have every right to be mad and stay mad for a while. Of course, I know that the staying mad part is almost impossible, simply becuase I am not one to be able to hold on to angry feelings indefinitely. I just don't like to be mad that much. So in lieu of staying angry for awhile maybe I could reserve the right to bring it up in future arguements, when I am once again angry enough to hold it against him. That is definitely possible. Especially since the next arguement will probably be about the very same issue and therefore it will be a relevant peice of evidence proving that not only is he inconsiderate, but he is also not truly sorry because if he were he wouldn't continue doing it when he knows how upset it makes me.
In fact, if he would just show a little maturity and consideration for others we could avoid conversations like this altogether!! The most agrivating thing about it is that I tried to make a point, by doing the same thing he TOOK A NAP!! It didn't bother him at all! He could have cared less that I was gone for hours without calling him, or letting him know what was going on. So what do I do now? I have tried explaining the problem to him, and I have tried showing him what it is like. Nothing works!

There is nothing more frustrating than the person you love doing something that you cannot stand!

Message Board Madness

I am a big fan of a specific parenting website message board. I particularly like to take part in the debate board. I have found myself embroiled in a number of quite heated debates about a number of topics during the last several months, and have to say that I very much enjoy these electronic "conversations". That probably makes me seem weird to some people, but that is okay, becuase I know the truth. (I am weird.) Anyway, I try to not get upset with people that, when it comes right down to it, I actually do not know. I also try not to offend others. Thus my problem. Trying so very hard to remain as inoffensive and unoffended as possible I am quite surprised when people are offended by what I say, or take my words as proof that I am being defensive toward them. Just this morning I was reading a very lively debate, when I came across the typical tangent of who is being a jerk and why they should stop. I decided that while I usually do not get involved in that part of debates I would comment, just this once. Big Mistake #1. The particular lady that I replied to has been very vocal about her feelings about other posters and has been particularly offensive to a number of other participants recently. I actually have worried about her, as much as you can worry about a faceless person on the internet. She seems so very angry and I told her as much this morning, trying very hard to come across as a person concerned for her mental state. She has posted previously about her difficulties with her situation since a recent incident that left her husband disabled. I truly thought that I was being kind and trying to let her know that I don't dislike her, and actually agree with much of her opinions, but just think that her anger makes her message hard to hear. I didn't think that I was being rude at all, but apparently she and others did. My post was, in fact, removed becuase of the misinterpretation of my words.
I knew there was a reason that I only revealed my opinion on the topic at hand and not my thoughts on personal issues. I have learned my lesson and will be much more careful in the future. So if you see me on another site, don't expect me to tell you that I am concerned for you, or show any interest in you as a person, becuase apparently in the internet world people don't need such human sentiment. Who does when you have a cold keyboard and silent screen to fill the void?

No, I'm not 13

It just occured to me, while viewing my profile that based upon my screen name or whatever that is called people might beleive me to be 13 years old. That is, fortunately, not the case. I am definitely older than 13, though I don't know that I wish to give my exact age. I am a lady, after all, and a lady never reveals her true age. Or is it her true hair color? In any case, I am a lady and will not be revealing either, just to cover all my bases. I just wanted it to be known that I am, in fact, not 13. That is simply my favorite number and therefore the reason for becoming part of my screen name. Just FYI!

Some Days...

Some days you want to scream at the world.
Some days you spend all morning wondering why these sorts of things happen to you.
Some days all you want to to is lay in bed.
Some days you feel like crying for no real reason.
Some days...

This morning we woke up to snow all over our front yard. We knew it was supposed to be coming, but our weathermen haven't been exactly accurate lately. Besides it was 72 degrees yesterday at noon. Who really thought it would be cold enough to snow less that 12 hours later. I should have known that it was possible. After all, I have lived in the Texas Panhandle with this crazy weather for my entire life, so I have seen stranger things happen. Anyway the point is that between my house and my husband's job there is a curve which apparently was quite slick and he ran up on the curb and now his car is messed up. Well, to be accurate the wheel is messed up. I have called every tire place in town. Nobody carries that rim anymore, andeven if they could get it, it would be about $500 just to replace one rim. We will be replacing all four rims and (nearly brand new) tires. Thatwill still cost us close to $500 to fix, like we didn't have better plans for that money. Thank goodness for income tax returns.
On top of all that is my disenchatment with my internship that I have been feeling. Toss in a little disappointment with my plans to remodel our bathroom and my frustration over not finding the right cabinetry, blend with a liberal dose of guilt over missing so much of my son's childhood and not being able to keep the house as clean as I would like, and you have the perfect recipe for a bad day. I have been having a string of bad days, actually. I am just generally moody and grumpy. I really just wanted to stay in bed with my little boy all day, pretending that we didn't have anything better to do than watch Sesame Street and eat donuts. Unfortunately I can't do that, becuase I am not a good liar and I can't just call work and take a day off cause I want to, plus working for a church, I would feel like a totaly jerk calling in sick when that is so obviously not true. I don't even like to call in sick when I am sick. Baby Boy and I both had the flu recently, and I still almost went to work, out of guilt. So here I sit at my desk at work, being in a bad mood, on the verge of tears over everything. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

The joys of Parenting

Being a parent is filled with such amazing things that you never thought of before. I recently asked my husband at what point does it occur to you that smelling a childs butt is normal. It has to happen sometime when you are in the hospital giving birth, or watching your child be born (whichever side of that you might be on) becuase previous to this time you would never hold a child at eye level by the armpits and sniff delicately in the posterior region to detect the telltale odor of a poopy diaper. People that would never previously make total morons of themselves saying silly words in even sillier voices over and over again find themselves doing just that in a effort to coax a belly laugh, coo, giggle or smile out of thier child almost immediately upon the arrival of said adorable bundle of joy. Strange words become a part of your vocabulary; paci, ba-ba, toofie, and my all time favorite (courtesy of my nephew) pabis. And when did you ever think that you would sit in the floor two feet in front of your six month old child who is on thier hands and knees and coach for half and hour on how to crawl. By the way you can show a baby this particular skill, or any other for that matter, and it will have only the affect that they will coo and giggle at you so profusely that they will probably fall over, meaning that you will have to set him or her back upon all fours and begin again.

But even with all these things there are even more unexpected things, like how you never expect that watching a baby inch forward and crawl the first time would be more exciting to you than any event ever in the history of your life. Or that feeling that first little tooth would bring on tears of joy the likes of which you haven't seen since they day that your child was born. Putting away all the clothes that they have outgrown and thier baby carseat in favor of one that is bigger will inspire tears of an entirely different sort. There are things that nobody tells you about being a parent, and I think that I have figured out why. First there are no words to describe so much of what you feel and learn. Second the thrill of learning those things for yourself can never be expressed.

Life is frustrating right now. As an intern in the Social Work program at my university I am in the trenches, learning the ropes and any other work related euphimism that might apply to learning how to do a job. Unfortunately I don't feel that I am learning how to do what I want to learn how to do. The whole reason that I got into this feild is that I want to help people, to make a difference and change the world, or at least the world around me. I am bound by confidentiality and don't feel that it would be a good idea to share about this particular topic, just in case someone accidentally comes across my blog and knows me or my class. But suffice it to say that I a seriously disenchanted with my chosen field right now.

Blogging Virgin

I have to say that I have never done this before. As I sit at the computer staring at the screen my palms are clammy and I wonder what has possessed me to do this. I know that I will likely not have any readers, and those that come here will simply click past me in a technological version of the cool kids pretending that I am invisible. Even though I know all this I feel as if I must continue with my plan to start a blog. It must be my all encomapssing need to talk. Lately I have had much more to say than most people in my life have had the patience to listen to. I need a place where I am mostly anonymous to speak my feelings in a way that many people would not like to hear. I need an outlet, and this, it seems, is that outlet. Little of what I will say will be particularly interesting and most definitely not profound, but I must say it somewhere, or else I could explode with frustration and over analyzed thoughts compounding one upon another until there is no room left in my brain. I hope that I am not boring to those that happen to stumble upon my ramblings, but if I am that is the way of things sometimes and I will probably never know it anyway. So to those that choose to read please enjoy, or don't, as the spirit moves you.