Thursday, June 19, 2008
This Sucks.
I never thought I would be here. I never thought that I would pack my things and walk out the door. I thought this was forever, and maybe it still will be, but I am just not sure anymore. I hate to think that I made this huge, life altering mistake...but one of the two was a mistake. Either I shouldn't have married him, or I should have stayed even after all the lies, tears and hours, days, weeks, months spent trying to fix it. I worked on this and did everything I could to make it better and he couldn't have cared less. Now that I am fed up he is ready to try. I know that I should give it another shot, but really I am not sure I can handle it anymore. I am just so tired. I just want to be alone for a while...and he won't let me. It's official...this SUCKS.
Monday, June 9, 2008
50 Things
I got this idea from another blog that I was looking at. I decided that I need to post more about me. I seem to post alot about other people and today I just really need to focus my energy on myself, becuase I am beginning to feel that I am disappearing. So here goes...
1. My middle name is Sue. I hated it growing up, but now I really kind of like it. There aren't too many people with that middle name...unlike the extreme commonality of my first name.
2. I love dogs. I used to say that I love animals...but I am not really sure that is true. I tried to like cats, but I am allergic and they usually hate me anyway. And I found that I really don't like pet birds too much either.
3. I love being a mother. I was never a kid that liked playing dolls, so I assumed that meant that I wouldn't really be that great of a mom (and who knows, maybe I'm not, but I love it anyway.)
4. I started college in August of 2002.
5. I will graduate this December 2008, with a BA in Social Work. It only took me six years, 1 husband, 1 baby and about a million full and part time jobs, but I made it.
6. I started out majoring in Psychology and that is still my favorite subject and the way that I tend to process information and look at the world, but I just felt that I had to become a social worker to make the difference in the world that I wish to see.
9. I am a compulsive peacemaker, when it comes to family and friends.
10. It took me a long time to learn to stand up for myself and I have still have a hard time with it sometimes.
11. I had a Gay male roommate once.
12. When I lived with the gay male roommate we lived in an efficiency apartment that was all of about 200 square feet.
13. I kicked him out about two months after he moved in. That took way longer than it should have...if you only knew what I went through before I finally did it.
14. I didn't cry on my wedding day, but my husband did. (should I have seen this as a sign of future problems?)
15. I am not a particularly emotional person...or at least I wasn't. There is something about having a baby that screws your hormones up and makes you all weepy and girly.
16. My parents have been married for 26 years and I truly look to them for inspiration on how to have a good marriage.
17. I have 1 nephew and 1 neice on the way.
18. I love being an aunt almost as much as I love being a mom.
19. I think I feel a certain closeness to my nephew that many aunts don't...becuase I had a miscarriage the same weekend he was born.
20. It took me a long time to accept that the miscarriage wasn't my fault and that it wasn't the end of the world.
21. I have had a lot of different jobs...everything from apartment manager to direct care staff for the mentally challenged to secretary to retail assistant manager.
22. My favorite job was working in a group home with people who have developmental disabilities.
23. I hope someday to work with that population again as a social worker.
24. I think that having so many different jobs helps me to see what it is like to be in another person's shoes.
25. I try to be extremely kind to servers in restaurant and sales people in retail stores because I know that many people aren't kind to them at all.
26. My husband used to think that I was being flirty with the servers, but then he noticed that I do it with girls too...he is so clueless.
27. I very rarely have a hard time seeing the "other side" of an issue. Even if I disagree with someone I can usually see and understand where they are coming from.
28. I hate confrontation, and I have to talk myself into it when I have to confront someone.
29. I talk to myself in the car alot. I am sure that people think I am crazy becuase I seem to be having a conversation in a car where no one else is present.
30. I don't mind other people thinking I am crazy. It doesn't really concern me what other people think of me, especially when I don't even know them.
31. I became a Christian at 8 years old during VBS.
32. I got baptized when I was 12, the same day as both my sisters.
33. I now work for the church that I was baptized in.
34. I want to have more at least one more child...but not for a while.
35. I don't like politics...not office politics, church politics, or national politics.
36. I am completely torn on who to vote for in the Presidential Election. Obama represents many of my professional beliefs and convictions. But McCain represents many of my personal beliefs. And neither of them exemplify any of the ideal characteristics of the "perfect President" I can imagine in my mind.
37. I am terrible at remembering current events. I am often the last to hear about something and when it comes up people always say to me, "It has been on the news for a week".
38. I don't watch a whole lot of TV...but there are a few shows that I love to watch, so I record them on the DVR to watch when I get a few minutes to sit down. BTW, it is much faster to watch a TV show if you can fast forward through all the commercials.
39. I am addicted to Grey's Anatomy, Bones, and House. Maybe I should have been a doctor since I like medical shows. Or maybe not since I don't like blood and yuck.
40. I never really got into Sex and the City, but I would kind of like to see the movie...amazing the influence marketing has on us.
41. I like WWF...Totally embarrasing I know.
42. My favorite WWF wrestler is "The Heartbreak Kid" Shawn Micheals... and his buddy Triple H. Wow, for somebody that doesn't get to watch much TV I sure do talk about it alot.
43. I love to read.
44. Once when I was a kid my mom grounded me from reading anything not related to school work becuase I was reading "fun books" instead of doing my home work.
45. I haven't read a book not related to school in over a year, and that makes me sad.
46. I recently got a recommendation on a couple of good books, and I plan to try to read them before I go back to school in the fall.
47. I get really excited when I get to buy someone a gift. I love to pick out just the right thing to make them smile. Something that means something to someone is something special to me...if that makes sense.
48. My favorite numbers are 13 and 24.
50. The reason that 24 is a favorite number is kind of embarassing, but I still love it, and the meaning that I know is behind it. Stupid kid crushes...make great memories. :)
1. My middle name is Sue. I hated it growing up, but now I really kind of like it. There aren't too many people with that middle name...unlike the extreme commonality of my first name.
2. I love dogs. I used to say that I love animals...but I am not really sure that is true. I tried to like cats, but I am allergic and they usually hate me anyway. And I found that I really don't like pet birds too much either.
3. I love being a mother. I was never a kid that liked playing dolls, so I assumed that meant that I wouldn't really be that great of a mom (and who knows, maybe I'm not, but I love it anyway.)
4. I started college in August of 2002.
5. I will graduate this December 2008, with a BA in Social Work. It only took me six years, 1 husband, 1 baby and about a million full and part time jobs, but I made it.
6. I started out majoring in Psychology and that is still my favorite subject and the way that I tend to process information and look at the world, but I just felt that I had to become a social worker to make the difference in the world that I wish to see.
7. I am living in my parents house until I graduate.
8. I am the second of four children, but I really consider myself the middle child. I know there is no middle out of four...but I am the middle of three girls and the one most likely to act the way that you would expect a middle child to act.
9. I am a compulsive peacemaker, when it comes to family and friends.
10. It took me a long time to learn to stand up for myself and I have still have a hard time with it sometimes.
11. I had a Gay male roommate once.
12. When I lived with the gay male roommate we lived in an efficiency apartment that was all of about 200 square feet.
13. I kicked him out about two months after he moved in. That took way longer than it should have...if you only knew what I went through before I finally did it.
14. I didn't cry on my wedding day, but my husband did. (should I have seen this as a sign of future problems?)
15. I am not a particularly emotional person...or at least I wasn't. There is something about having a baby that screws your hormones up and makes you all weepy and girly.
16. My parents have been married for 26 years and I truly look to them for inspiration on how to have a good marriage.
17. I have 1 nephew and 1 neice on the way.
18. I love being an aunt almost as much as I love being a mom.
19. I think I feel a certain closeness to my nephew that many aunts don't...becuase I had a miscarriage the same weekend he was born.
20. It took me a long time to accept that the miscarriage wasn't my fault and that it wasn't the end of the world.
21. I have had a lot of different jobs...everything from apartment manager to direct care staff for the mentally challenged to secretary to retail assistant manager.
22. My favorite job was working in a group home with people who have developmental disabilities.
23. I hope someday to work with that population again as a social worker.
24. I think that having so many different jobs helps me to see what it is like to be in another person's shoes.
25. I try to be extremely kind to servers in restaurant and sales people in retail stores because I know that many people aren't kind to them at all.
26. My husband used to think that I was being flirty with the servers, but then he noticed that I do it with girls too...he is so clueless.
27. I very rarely have a hard time seeing the "other side" of an issue. Even if I disagree with someone I can usually see and understand where they are coming from.
28. I hate confrontation, and I have to talk myself into it when I have to confront someone.
29. I talk to myself in the car alot. I am sure that people think I am crazy becuase I seem to be having a conversation in a car where no one else is present.
30. I don't mind other people thinking I am crazy. It doesn't really concern me what other people think of me, especially when I don't even know them.
31. I became a Christian at 8 years old during VBS.
32. I got baptized when I was 12, the same day as both my sisters.
33. I now work for the church that I was baptized in.
34. I want to have more at least one more child...but not for a while.
35. I don't like politics...not office politics, church politics, or national politics.
36. I am completely torn on who to vote for in the Presidential Election. Obama represents many of my professional beliefs and convictions. But McCain represents many of my personal beliefs. And neither of them exemplify any of the ideal characteristics of the "perfect President" I can imagine in my mind.
37. I am terrible at remembering current events. I am often the last to hear about something and when it comes up people always say to me, "It has been on the news for a week".
38. I don't watch a whole lot of TV...but there are a few shows that I love to watch, so I record them on the DVR to watch when I get a few minutes to sit down. BTW, it is much faster to watch a TV show if you can fast forward through all the commercials.
39. I am addicted to Grey's Anatomy, Bones, and House. Maybe I should have been a doctor since I like medical shows. Or maybe not since I don't like blood and yuck.
40. I never really got into Sex and the City, but I would kind of like to see the movie...amazing the influence marketing has on us.
41. I like WWF...Totally embarrasing I know.
42. My favorite WWF wrestler is "The Heartbreak Kid" Shawn Micheals... and his buddy Triple H. Wow, for somebody that doesn't get to watch much TV I sure do talk about it alot.
43. I love to read.
44. Once when I was a kid my mom grounded me from reading anything not related to school work becuase I was reading "fun books" instead of doing my home work.
45. I haven't read a book not related to school in over a year, and that makes me sad.
46. I recently got a recommendation on a couple of good books, and I plan to try to read them before I go back to school in the fall.
47. I get really excited when I get to buy someone a gift. I love to pick out just the right thing to make them smile. Something that means something to someone is something special to me...if that makes sense.
48. My favorite numbers are 13 and 24.
50. The reason that 24 is a favorite number is kind of embarassing, but I still love it, and the meaning that I know is behind it. Stupid kid crushes...make great memories. :)
WTF!?!?!
Do men ever grow out of the selfishness of youth? Or should I just expect that my husband will always expect to get what he wants, even at the expense of others? If what is going on isn't exactly what he wants or somehow displeases him then there is hell to pay. He always talks about how he wants to buy a bigger house, or he wants to get a new car, or he want's this or that, on and on about what he wants. The problem is we don't have the money for all of his wants. He got offered a promotion at work, and a large pay raise to go with it. It would allow us to get more of the things that he wants. The issue is the job is inside a building. He wants to work outside. That is the ONLY problem he has with the job. On the flip side the positives of this job are overwhelming... more money, safer job (he would no longer be on the side of the highway while cars whiz by at 70 miles an hour), permanancy (he is currently a "temporary" employee, technically). But because he doesn't like the fact that he would have to give up his outdoor job he might not take the new job. His salary would jump around $7,000-$10,000 a year! He would have job security, so we wouldn't have to worry as much about him being out of a job! WHAT IS HIS PROBLEM???????
Monday, June 2, 2008
My Little Boy
He is beautiful and sweet and funny. He is also stubborn and strong willed and hard headed. He has personality to burn and is totally fearless. He is 10 months old and it breaks my heart to think about it. He is so big...soon he will be a whole year old. How did this happen? I feel like I have missed so much. I work full time and I am going to school to earn my bachelors degree. He spends so much time with other people, and I know that I spoil him so much becuase of the amount of time that I don't get to spend with him. I feel like I should be making up for not being with him all the time. I know that seems ridiculous to some people. I grew up after the feminist movement, and have always seen working women. I have always admired these women, looked up to them and wanted to be like them. I have also always wanted children. I never thought that doing both was out of the ordinary, after all my mom did it. I never thought that it was that hard, or that I would feel such unbelieveable sadness when I see my little boy seem so attached to my mother-in-law, becuase he stays with her three days a week while I work. I feel so sad, like somehow I am failing as a mother by not being there every minute of every day. But I know that I would feel unfulfilled if I didn't work. I have to work, becuase I have always found that to be important. I need to feel that I am contributing financially and not relying solely on my husband. So what is the right answer? How do I reconcile my need to work with my need to be with my boy. I don't think that there is an answer really...but I wish there were.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)