How did we get here?

When we started dating it was just casual. Someone to go see a movie with or go out dancing. There was never supposed to be anything serious. Then for whatever reason it got serious. We got married...and now we're getting divorced. And it was never supposed to be serious at all.

I loved him so much. I gave all I had to him and our marriage. And he took it all and went in search of more. It wasn't enough to have all of me...he had to have other women and more stuff and just more of anything he could get. Why? Why wasn't I good enough for him? What else could I have done?

Payment Due

I am finding it hard to concentrate today. I am finding it difficult to pull my mind away from something that I pretty much knew was coming. Why am I surprised? Why am I brokenhearted? Why do I feel such a strong sense of disappointment? What is wrong with me?

I knew that he was probably lying, that it wasn't real, and he was once again going to let me down. I KNEW THAT!! But even while keeping up the good front of being above the fear, not worrying about it...knowing the outcome...under all that I guess I was still holding out hope. Hope that this time he would follow through. Hope that for once he would keep the promise...tell the truth...be there when I needed him. And that was stupid of me. I knew better.

And now I pay for that. I pay in tears and frustration. I pay in worry and anger and not understanding AT ALL what is wrong with him. Once again, he messes up...and I pay.

But it wasn't his fault. He got hung up at work...no choice, he couldn't leave. And I get that. He is right that it wasn't his fault that he didn't get it done TODAY. But what he seemingly fails to see is that had he not made the bad choices, and incorrect actions and stupid plans from the past several months we wouldn't even be here today. Today might not have been his fault, but the situation as a whole is on him. He caused it. And when it looked like I might enforce the consequences of him screwing up he lost it...started crying, practically begging me not to do it. And telling me how sorry he was, how he doesn't want it to be this way. He is sorry becuase of the way that it affects him...but is he sorry that it affects me, that my life is turned upside down over his choices...that our baby is being passed back and forth and probably confused. I doubt it. He is sorry when it affects him in bad way...just like always. He has not once apologized for putting us in this situation to begin with, but he will pull out the tears and apologize if it looks like he might get in trouble for it. And I let him do it...becuase I dont want to be the bad guy. I don't want to send my son's father to jail, which I could have done. I don't want to have to be the one that holds him accountable, that deals with the resentment afterward, that is "at fault" for him having to deal with what he caused. Why is this so hard still? Why does it ambush me at the worst times? When will this be over? When will my heart stop breaking for what could have been? Why doesn't it get any better.