MORE??? I don't think I can handle any more.

I didn't want to believe that there could be more. I didn't want to think that he could hurt me any more than he already has. I kept trying to convince myself that we were going to make this work. Only WE aren't doing anything. I am trying to forgive him, I am beating myself up for being angry with him and being "too hard" on him. I am pushing myself to let it all go, and move forward with our marriage. I am researching and reading and asking for advice about overcoming infidelity from everyone I can find. HE on the other hand...well, HE is setting up Myspace accounts to talk to other girls. HE is inviting girls I have never met to OUR HOME!! HE is lying to me left and right. HE is continuing to make me look like a horrible wife in the counseling sessions. HE is putting on a great act for other people and he almost had me convinced. WE have yet to do anything, as a couple to fix this problem, and I am just about through dealing with everything that HE thinks he should do.

A Whole Month

It's official...It has been an entire month since I moved out of my house, my life, my marriage. I left and haven't moved back. Of course I see him or talk to him almost daily...except when he was trying to make a point and get back at me for not falling at his feet in joy when he bought me flowers. Flowers!! Like that makes up for three years of lies and unfaithfulness. And the song he requested from our wedding...like that was going to make me feel good. He requested the song that played during the lighting of the unity candle...like he showed a whole lot of unity when he was out trying to find someone else to sleep with.

I don't know what to feel. Of course there is love left for him somewhere and every once in a while I feel it...but then I lose it when I remember that he didn't love me enough to hold to his vows. And of course when you have a child with someone there is always something there, becuase that child is part of him. I just don't know if that is enough. I tried loving him enough for both of us, and now I just don't know if I have anything left. It's like drawing water from a well. Eventually if there is no rain or underground spring or other source feeding into that well, it will go dry. He wasn't feeding love into me, but I was putting love out there in huge quantities for him, and now my well is dry. He keeps trying to fill it up, but it's like spitting in the sand of the dessert. Gone before it even hits the sand. And I am still not sure that he is even really trying all that hard. Maybe I am jaded, but I feel like it is all pretty superficial stuff, and that there is a lot of manipulation underneath it. Maybe there isn't or maybe he doesn't realize he is even doing it. He has done this kind of thing for so long, I don't know if he even realizes that he is doing it. I don't know what to do...maybe soon I will know how to move forward in life. It's just that I really hate living in limbo, not really knowing what to do or where to go from here...it truly sucks.