A Whole Month

It's official...It has been an entire month since I moved out of my house, my life, my marriage. I left and haven't moved back. Of course I see him or talk to him almost daily...except when he was trying to make a point and get back at me for not falling at his feet in joy when he bought me flowers. Flowers!! Like that makes up for three years of lies and unfaithfulness. And the song he requested from our wedding...like that was going to make me feel good. He requested the song that played during the lighting of the unity candle...like he showed a whole lot of unity when he was out trying to find someone else to sleep with.

I don't know what to feel. Of course there is love left for him somewhere and every once in a while I feel it...but then I lose it when I remember that he didn't love me enough to hold to his vows. And of course when you have a child with someone there is always something there, becuase that child is part of him. I just don't know if that is enough. I tried loving him enough for both of us, and now I just don't know if I have anything left. It's like drawing water from a well. Eventually if there is no rain or underground spring or other source feeding into that well, it will go dry. He wasn't feeding love into me, but I was putting love out there in huge quantities for him, and now my well is dry. He keeps trying to fill it up, but it's like spitting in the sand of the dessert. Gone before it even hits the sand. And I am still not sure that he is even really trying all that hard. Maybe I am jaded, but I feel like it is all pretty superficial stuff, and that there is a lot of manipulation underneath it. Maybe there isn't or maybe he doesn't realize he is even doing it. He has done this kind of thing for so long, I don't know if he even realizes that he is doing it. I don't know what to do...maybe soon I will know how to move forward in life. It's just that I really hate living in limbo, not really knowing what to do or where to go from here...it truly sucks.