I am so frustrated!! Why am I still stuck with a husband I don't want, a house that I can't afford, and anger and hurt that I can't get rid of? I didn't do everything right...not even close, cause hey nobody's perfect...but I really tried to do to the right thing.

I tried to commit and be the best wife I knew how to be. And obviously I fell short in my own estimation, but definitely in J's estimation. I wanted to make him happy and be there for him and with him forever. But I couldn't do that in the face of the circumstances I found myself in.

Since I left I have tried to not sling mud, or be a jerk or use DS as a pawn or punish J. I have tried to keep this from being ugly and J just keeps pushing. He just keeps pushing and being a big fat jerk!! And it just isn't in me to keep holding back the anger and fear. The rage of what he did, how he hurt me, the lies he told. It just won't stop. I can't stop thinking about it.

And he gets to move on, get his "own place". When he robbed me of my place for all these months. He locked me out, ruined my home for me emotionally, and now it will be foreclosed on and I will lose my home because he refused to pay his part of the mortgage. I payed enough to keep him in the house until he could make the decision to "get his own place", I provided electricity and water so he could keep living there and it put me in a bind and I couldn't get my own place...but HE CAN???

How fair is this? Once again I get screwed becuase I did what was right and he took advantage!

New blog title

I decided that since two of the four descriptors that I used in my old title were no longer valid I should change it.

I changed it to this because of the saying...you know...about being on the verge of greatness. But right now things aren't quite so great around here...so I made it a question instead of a statement. Maybe I will change it again soon...depends on if it continues to suit.

Anyway I have graduated from college, but nobody will even call me for an interview. I need to get my license...scary, and I am getting a divorce. So life kind of sucks right this minute. Well, no not really. It's not all bad. My little boy has learned to say "love you"! That brightens everything up. And he has learned what is funny and will make people laugh and then he laughs too and...well it is just the cutest thing ever. And I do have a job that I like, so it's not like I am going without. And I am the one that decided to get a divorce and living through this is easier than living with someone that doesn't want to be with me unless there is no one else available, who might be sleeping with someone else, or trying to sleep with someone else, or looking for someone else to sleep with.

Any way I guess we will find out just how much greatness I am on the verge of...

How did we get here?

When we started dating it was just casual. Someone to go see a movie with or go out dancing. There was never supposed to be anything serious. Then for whatever reason it got serious. We got married...and now we're getting divorced. And it was never supposed to be serious at all.

I loved him so much. I gave all I had to him and our marriage. And he took it all and went in search of more. It wasn't enough to have all of me...he had to have other women and more stuff and just more of anything he could get. Why? Why wasn't I good enough for him? What else could I have done?

Payment Due

I am finding it hard to concentrate today. I am finding it difficult to pull my mind away from something that I pretty much knew was coming. Why am I surprised? Why am I brokenhearted? Why do I feel such a strong sense of disappointment? What is wrong with me?

I knew that he was probably lying, that it wasn't real, and he was once again going to let me down. I KNEW THAT!! But even while keeping up the good front of being above the fear, not worrying about it...knowing the outcome...under all that I guess I was still holding out hope. Hope that this time he would follow through. Hope that for once he would keep the promise...tell the truth...be there when I needed him. And that was stupid of me. I knew better.

And now I pay for that. I pay in tears and frustration. I pay in worry and anger and not understanding AT ALL what is wrong with him. Once again, he messes up...and I pay.

But it wasn't his fault. He got hung up at work...no choice, he couldn't leave. And I get that. He is right that it wasn't his fault that he didn't get it done TODAY. But what he seemingly fails to see is that had he not made the bad choices, and incorrect actions and stupid plans from the past several months we wouldn't even be here today. Today might not have been his fault, but the situation as a whole is on him. He caused it. And when it looked like I might enforce the consequences of him screwing up he lost it...started crying, practically begging me not to do it. And telling me how sorry he was, how he doesn't want it to be this way. He is sorry becuase of the way that it affects him...but is he sorry that it affects me, that my life is turned upside down over his choices...that our baby is being passed back and forth and probably confused. I doubt it. He is sorry when it affects him in bad way...just like always. He has not once apologized for putting us in this situation to begin with, but he will pull out the tears and apologize if it looks like he might get in trouble for it. And I let him do it...becuase I dont want to be the bad guy. I don't want to send my son's father to jail, which I could have done. I don't want to have to be the one that holds him accountable, that deals with the resentment afterward, that is "at fault" for him having to deal with what he caused. Why is this so hard still? Why does it ambush me at the worst times? When will this be over? When will my heart stop breaking for what could have been? Why doesn't it get any better.

Single...Again.

It has now been over four months since I moved out of my house. Four months since I, once again, found out my husband was looking for other women to sleep with. Four months since told him that "I'd had enough".

It has been just over 2 months since I told him that I was going to divorce him. Two months since I quite believing that there is a snowball's chance in hell of this ever working out. Two months since I really got fed up with him and his lying and irresponsibility.

It has been about 3 weeks since I filed the divorce papers and he was served. Three weeks since I looked at the last three years as the past...over and done. Three weeks since I started referring to him as my EX.

It has been about 24 hours since I signed an agreement on our temporary orders. 24 hours since I agreed to let him pay the full house payment, with penalty of going to jail for contempt if he fails to do so. 24 hours since it really began to soak in that it's happening.

I am going to be a single mom.

Changes

Some things never change, and some things do.

Like my sweet boy... he changes almost daily. He is getting bigger everyday...and is now one year and three weeks old. He is still amazing...that doesn't change, but he is learning and growing and becoming more himself each day.

Of course then there is the H. He doesn't change...and in not changing, that changes everything. I have had enough trying to fix this on my own. He is making superficial effort to "show me" his willingness to change, but the underlying attitude is still the same. I have changed I guess. I have changed my thoughts on our marriage. I have changed my priorities to taking care of our son and myself and hang it if he can't manage to take care of himself.

I have changed...life has changed. Sometimes I think it is a change for the better and sometimes I don't know. But the only thing that we can count on this world is that nothing stays the same.

MORE??? I don't think I can handle any more.

I didn't want to believe that there could be more. I didn't want to think that he could hurt me any more than he already has. I kept trying to convince myself that we were going to make this work. Only WE aren't doing anything. I am trying to forgive him, I am beating myself up for being angry with him and being "too hard" on him. I am pushing myself to let it all go, and move forward with our marriage. I am researching and reading and asking for advice about overcoming infidelity from everyone I can find. HE on the other hand...well, HE is setting up Myspace accounts to talk to other girls. HE is inviting girls I have never met to OUR HOME!! HE is lying to me left and right. HE is continuing to make me look like a horrible wife in the counseling sessions. HE is putting on a great act for other people and he almost had me convinced. WE have yet to do anything, as a couple to fix this problem, and I am just about through dealing with everything that HE thinks he should do.