De Ja Vu, or something like that

Do you ever have one of those days when you randomly think of a person from your past, maybe someone that you would pay good money to never have to see again, and then you can't get that person out of your head? Today has been one of those days for me.

A long time ago, I had a friend, or should I say I was a friend to a guy (let's call him J.)who seemed to have a difficult time in this life. He was not on good terms with his dad, his sexuality was constantly in question by all those around him, mostly because he put it out there to be questioned, but that isn't the point. He was constantly fighting with his mom and stepdad and he had just moved to a new high school, in a new state, during his junior year. He was talented, funny, attractive, outgoing and supposedly a good guy. One of those characteristic turned out to not really be so true. (Betcha can't guess which one.) I was drawn to him... I think because he was different from everybody I had ever met. He was openly "gay", and apparently comfortable with that and all the comments that came along with it. Even though he was "gay" he wasn't effeminate, or flamboyant in that "queen" way. Although he could put on a good show for people who were really freaked out by it. I was a small town girl from West Texas and he was a new kind of guy from New Jersey/New York. We became friends. I was just coming out of a hard, long relationship when we met and I for some reason found him attractive (anyone thinking rebound?) even knowing that he was "gay". I also think it might have something to do with the fact that he was "safe", I couldn't be in a relationship with him and therefore couldn't be hurt by him.
We hung out alot and got to know each other well, I thought. It came out that I thought he was attractive and he confessed to me that while he still believed that he was "gay", he felt a pretty strong attraction to me as well. We began an on-again, off-again relationship. I stopped seeing him becuase my former boyfriend informed me that he wanted to try again, and since I still had feelings for him, and felt that it could go somewhere, while the current fling was pretty pointless, I got back together with him.
That relationship finally died a slow and painful death, by email, during the summer after my senior year. I renewed the friendship with J. and we began spending lots of time together again. He confessed to me at one point that he had spent a lot of time during the summer thinking of me, which felt good considering that my former boyfriend obviously hadn't done the same. He said he was still very attracted to me and we began "dating" again. I will never say that it didn't happen, because it did, but I wish that it hadn't happend frequently.
Eventually we stopped seeing one another romantically and he pursued a young man. We continued being close friends, so when I called him one day to let him know that I was going on a date I thought he would be excited for me. It was a blind date, and I was nervous, so I really needed him to tell me that I was great and any guy would be lucky to have me. Instead he said he was in love with me and he didn't want me to go out with this guy. I went anyway, and it was amazing. The blind date (guy number two) was a total gentleman and treated me so well. I met his whole family (yes, it was our first date) and I told my roommate when I got home how great he was. I had really been praying that guy number two would be a toal dud so that I didn't have to deal with the drama that I knew was coming. I tried to introduce the two guys and it went badly. I ended up breaking up with guy number two, because I felt that the friendship with J. was important to me and not worth losing over a guy I had just met. (If only I had known what was coming later!) Guy number two still wanted to be friends and I was fine with that, and talked to him frequently, much to the disgust of J. In fact one night he answered my phone while I was out of the room and told guy number two that I didn't want to talk to him anymore and that he needed to get lost, and then told me a totally different story when I got back. He said that guy number two got angry that I was still hanging out with J. and said he never wanted to talk to me again. We never really got back together as a couple officially, but we continued spending time together in this limbo mode of "friends/more than friends" for a while. Weeks and months went by and on J's 18th b-day his mom kicked him out of the house. By now we were definitely "just friends", but life was still kind of confusing becuase he still seemed to feel proprietary toward me. I had just signed a lease on an apartment and told J that he could come stay with me until graduation when he planned to go back to Jersey. This is when it all fell apart. He seemed to expect me to provide for him. He paid no bills or rent, bought little to no food, and expected me to buy his clothes for graduation - even though we worked together, brought people back to my apartment that I wasn't real fond of, borrowed my car and left it on a parking lot downtown all night without telling me - just so he could go home with some guy, got pissed when I wouldn't let him borrow it again, pinned me against a bed, threw a fit over me getting a phone line installed and used the money he was supposed to be paying me for rent and utilities to get a tatoo. I kicked him out and changed the locks. He harrased me for months with requests to be friends again and hateful emails calling me names. Finally after a couple of months I stopped hearing from him. But every six months or so I would get emails from him, and he always seemed to know when some thing big was happening in my life. He found out that guy number two and I had gotten back together. He found my Myspace page. He emailed me to congratulate me on my engagement to guy number two (now my hubby, Jon) and my marriage. He commented on how cute my dogs were on my Myspace page, even though the only pictures of them are on my husbands page. Finally two years ago I pleaded with him to just leave me alone, quit contacting me and stop asking my friends that he still talks to about my life, so that he can pop up and ruin all the good times and make the crappy times even worse. Since that time, I haven't heard from him at all.

But today I thought of him, and now I can't stop the train of thoughts. I keep remembering things about him and I know how to find his myspace page, and his email address. I don't want to be his friend, but I don't want to hate him either. I want him to know that my life is great, and that I hope the best for him, even though I don't want to have anything to do with him ever again. We were good friends once, and so sometimes I want him to know that while I will never consider him a friend again, I don't hate him. But I know that even opening that connection back up will get ugly quick, becuase he won't want to leave it at, I forgive you, J. and want the best for you and that's all. He will want to push it further. Plus hubby Jon hates him and would be super angry if I contacted him, and I couldn't lie to Jon about this. It would be wrong. So I guess I will have to be okay with sending the forgiveness vibes and well wishes for someone that I don't like or hate anymore into the universe.

My Blog Title

I know, it doesn't seem particularly interesting or revealing, but it is me. It is how I think of myself. In one of my courses we were asked to think about our personal life roles, in relation to others and what we think of ourselves. When I started trying to think of a title for this blog that would represent me, but not be fully revealing of who I am (ie: no specific names given, in order to protect my innocence, not to metion my privacy), I couldn't seem to shake the memories of that exercise. The hard part for me was what to list first. I was a student long before I became any of the other things, but I spend a majority of my time being an employee, I am a wife and mother, and while I would not have been a mother without being a wife, I could have been a wife without becomeing a mother, but then again the most important thing to me in the whole world is my child. So you see my dilemma... what order should I put my life roles in, so that they represent me best. I finally came to the conclusion that all of these are important roles to my life, and I will be fully represented by them no matter what order they are in. But I did have to put wife and mother before student and employee, because there is nothing more important to me that my family.

Now that I have bored the world to tears, or at least anyone who happens by this blog, I must continue my duties as an employee and get back to work!

Do I deserve to be angry?

He stayed out almost all night! He went to have a beer with the guys, which I was fine with. I asked when I could expect him home, not becuase the time mattered, but just as a reference. So that I would know if he wasn't home be this time I might need to start worrying. He said in about two hours he would be home. That meant around 11:30 P.M. Okay, that's fine, anytime would have been fine, just so long as I know what to expect. So I put the baby down and go to bed. Next thing I know my eyes pop open at 1:30 A.M. and he is nowhere to be found. Okay, no biggie, he probably lost track of time. So I call him. No answer. Alright, I think, they are probably in a loud place, he didn't hear it, I am sure that he will call me back. So I lay back down and flip on the TV to keep myself awake while I wait. 1:45 - no call yet, so I try again. No answer. 2:00 - Still nothing, another call, still no answer. He never misses a call and not call back almost immediatly, so I am starting to get worried. No answer and no call back for over 30 minutes now. He has probably had a couple of beers, he could have been in a wreck or picked up on a DUI if he drove after too many beers. I don't even know where they went. I don't have the numbers of the guys that he went with to see if he is still with them. I am panicking. What if he got killed in a car wreck. I am praying the whole time that I dial the number one more time. NO ANSWER!!! Now I am a mess, scared sick and freaking out. Do I call the hospitals first or the police station? What if they havent had any calls or anything that match his description? Wher is he?!?!? I push redial and call one last time - "Hey babe." like nothing has been going on. Like I haven't called him 5 times and texted him (which I never do). Like I haven't been crying and praying and worried sick!! He and they guys went to get something to eat. He forgot his phone in the car. He just can't get why I am so upset. It was no big deal. ARGH!!!

So, do I have a right to be angry?

I think that I do. I feel that I have every right to be mad and stay mad for a while. Of course, I know that the staying mad part is almost impossible, simply becuase I am not one to be able to hold on to angry feelings indefinitely. I just don't like to be mad that much. So in lieu of staying angry for awhile maybe I could reserve the right to bring it up in future arguements, when I am once again angry enough to hold it against him. That is definitely possible. Especially since the next arguement will probably be about the very same issue and therefore it will be a relevant peice of evidence proving that not only is he inconsiderate, but he is also not truly sorry because if he were he wouldn't continue doing it when he knows how upset it makes me.
In fact, if he would just show a little maturity and consideration for others we could avoid conversations like this altogether!! The most agrivating thing about it is that I tried to make a point, by doing the same thing he TOOK A NAP!! It didn't bother him at all! He could have cared less that I was gone for hours without calling him, or letting him know what was going on. So what do I do now? I have tried explaining the problem to him, and I have tried showing him what it is like. Nothing works!

There is nothing more frustrating than the person you love doing something that you cannot stand!

Message Board Madness

I am a big fan of a specific parenting website message board. I particularly like to take part in the debate board. I have found myself embroiled in a number of quite heated debates about a number of topics during the last several months, and have to say that I very much enjoy these electronic "conversations". That probably makes me seem weird to some people, but that is okay, becuase I know the truth. (I am weird.) Anyway, I try to not get upset with people that, when it comes right down to it, I actually do not know. I also try not to offend others. Thus my problem. Trying so very hard to remain as inoffensive and unoffended as possible I am quite surprised when people are offended by what I say, or take my words as proof that I am being defensive toward them. Just this morning I was reading a very lively debate, when I came across the typical tangent of who is being a jerk and why they should stop. I decided that while I usually do not get involved in that part of debates I would comment, just this once. Big Mistake #1. The particular lady that I replied to has been very vocal about her feelings about other posters and has been particularly offensive to a number of other participants recently. I actually have worried about her, as much as you can worry about a faceless person on the internet. She seems so very angry and I told her as much this morning, trying very hard to come across as a person concerned for her mental state. She has posted previously about her difficulties with her situation since a recent incident that left her husband disabled. I truly thought that I was being kind and trying to let her know that I don't dislike her, and actually agree with much of her opinions, but just think that her anger makes her message hard to hear. I didn't think that I was being rude at all, but apparently she and others did. My post was, in fact, removed becuase of the misinterpretation of my words.
I knew there was a reason that I only revealed my opinion on the topic at hand and not my thoughts on personal issues. I have learned my lesson and will be much more careful in the future. So if you see me on another site, don't expect me to tell you that I am concerned for you, or show any interest in you as a person, becuase apparently in the internet world people don't need such human sentiment. Who does when you have a cold keyboard and silent screen to fill the void?

No, I'm not 13

It just occured to me, while viewing my profile that based upon my screen name or whatever that is called people might beleive me to be 13 years old. That is, fortunately, not the case. I am definitely older than 13, though I don't know that I wish to give my exact age. I am a lady, after all, and a lady never reveals her true age. Or is it her true hair color? In any case, I am a lady and will not be revealing either, just to cover all my bases. I just wanted it to be known that I am, in fact, not 13. That is simply my favorite number and therefore the reason for becoming part of my screen name. Just FYI!

Some Days...

Some days you want to scream at the world.
Some days you spend all morning wondering why these sorts of things happen to you.
Some days all you want to to is lay in bed.
Some days you feel like crying for no real reason.
Some days...

This morning we woke up to snow all over our front yard. We knew it was supposed to be coming, but our weathermen haven't been exactly accurate lately. Besides it was 72 degrees yesterday at noon. Who really thought it would be cold enough to snow less that 12 hours later. I should have known that it was possible. After all, I have lived in the Texas Panhandle with this crazy weather for my entire life, so I have seen stranger things happen. Anyway the point is that between my house and my husband's job there is a curve which apparently was quite slick and he ran up on the curb and now his car is messed up. Well, to be accurate the wheel is messed up. I have called every tire place in town. Nobody carries that rim anymore, andeven if they could get it, it would be about $500 just to replace one rim. We will be replacing all four rims and (nearly brand new) tires. Thatwill still cost us close to $500 to fix, like we didn't have better plans for that money. Thank goodness for income tax returns.
On top of all that is my disenchatment with my internship that I have been feeling. Toss in a little disappointment with my plans to remodel our bathroom and my frustration over not finding the right cabinetry, blend with a liberal dose of guilt over missing so much of my son's childhood and not being able to keep the house as clean as I would like, and you have the perfect recipe for a bad day. I have been having a string of bad days, actually. I am just generally moody and grumpy. I really just wanted to stay in bed with my little boy all day, pretending that we didn't have anything better to do than watch Sesame Street and eat donuts. Unfortunately I can't do that, becuase I am not a good liar and I can't just call work and take a day off cause I want to, plus working for a church, I would feel like a totaly jerk calling in sick when that is so obviously not true. I don't even like to call in sick when I am sick. Baby Boy and I both had the flu recently, and I still almost went to work, out of guilt. So here I sit at my desk at work, being in a bad mood, on the verge of tears over everything. Maybe tomorrow will be better.